Integration paper

                  

            In our everyday lives people interact with communication. Communication is the key to any relationship you could have with any individual including but not restricted to acquaintances, close friendships, spousal relationships, and of course your enemies as well. Communication plays a big role in determining what kind of relationship will develop and if any relationship at all will develop. A person may find that after communicating to a stranger for 5 minutes, they may want to keep this person a stranger because maybe during their conversation and communicating for those 5 minutes they realized they had nothing in common. Through communication one person learns about another person and then makes the decision to engage in a specific relationship or not.   I learned that there are many different concepts in relational communication and the outlook is very complex. There are also many types of relationships such as role relationships, interpersonal relationships and close relationships that are broken down into categories that show characteristics such as voluntary versus involuntary, genetically related versus nonrelated, sexual versus platonic, romantic versus nonromantic and last but not least male versus female or masculine versus feminine. I learned that along with the characteristics of relationships we can also look at the different kinds of communication that occur in those relationships. Interpersonal communication and relational communication is the messages that people exchange in different types of relationships. There are six principles of interpersonal communication which are verbal and nonverbal, communication is inevitable, people use interpersonal communication to fulfill goals, effectiveness and shared meaning, content versus relational information, and finally symmetry in communication. I learned that there are five principles of relational communication which are relationships emerge across ongoing interactions, relationships contextualize messages, communication sends a variety of relational messages including dominance/submission, level of intimacy, degree of similarity, task-social orientation, formality/informality, degree of social composure, and level of emotional arousal and activation, relational communication is dynamic and relational communication follows both linear and nonlinear patterns. Communication also fulfills our needs of affection and control. The key to a happy life is having good relationships and having good relationships rely on effective communication.

            I also learned not only how to understand the process of communication in relationships but to apply them to real life situations and cases. The cases that we read for class helped me to engage my understanding of the concepts and apply them to a specific situation or case. I could see many different aspects of how our other classmates interpreted the information and how they applied definitions and theories to the case of their choice as well. I can’t really reflect on one case because I thought that all of them helped me but I did seem to always lean towards the boyfriend/girlfriend cases because it seemed easy for me to grasp and it was easy for me to relate to on a personal level. One of my favorites was We Will Never Be That Kind of Couple. Analytical thinking gave me insight to terms and concepts by understanding how they apply in real life situations of people’s relationships. To reflect on the analytical process I can now go back and see that from the first blog to the last blog my analyzing got better because I could actually figure out what was going on behind the scenes of communication in relationships. This process showed me ways to look at certain communication techniques in different types of relationships. Analyzing these cases with the information from the lectures and book gives me knowledge and power for effectively communicating to others and understanding the others point of view and what they are really trying to say within a specific relationship. Analyzing and applying concepts to cases gave me a chance to show how I understood the information and by getting to read another classmates analyzing and applying gave me a chance to see how someone else’s perspective could be different and also applied differently. This was a great way to look at these cases in different perspectives and understand the process of communication in relationships on a broader horizon.

            I will take what I have learned in this course and use it in my everyday life. I have actually already begun to use my knowledge in my relationships. I think that the area that I use it the mist in would be my relationship with my boyfriend. I finally could understand where my boyfriend was coming from and why he always tried to search for a solution when all I wanted to do was talk. The way a man might interpret communication and the way a women interprets communication is different simply because of gender differences. Now our relationship has become so much stronger because I am communicating effectively and I also passed on my knowledge to him which in turn gives him a better perspective of where I am coming from as well. I can apply it to really any relationship that I have or encounter for the rest of my life. I can also reflect on some of my past relationships and understand why a friendship fell through and why a romantic relationship didn’t work. I can better myself as a person by understanding and communicating effectively in relationships.

Friends of the Heart

In Friends of the Heart: Communication between long-term friends we have Sophie and Jay who are best friends and have been best friends for 13 years of their life. Just recently Sophie had to make a road trip to gather all of her father’s belongings because he had passed away. She took the trip with Jay since he was available and also because Sophie’s girlfriend Melissa couldn’t go and they were not going to let her drive across country by herself to get her Dad’s things. This shows emotional closeness that Jay and Melissa both have for Sophie. As she was at her father’s house, she began to think of the conversations she had with him before he died and how she wished she would have paid more attention to what he was saying. This shows that Sophie missed that closeness she had with her father. When Jay and Sophie were leaving the house she seemed bothered and Jay could tell. She told him not to smoke his cigarettes in the rental truck. Jay couldn’t believe after all he was doing for her that she wouldn’t let him just smoke in the truck. This shows paradox of affection towards Sophie by Jay. They joked around how they called each other Thelma and Louise the whole trip. This shows relational closeness because they both share the same thought. They also had a disagreement about playing Lady Gaga on the trip because Jay didn’t want to listen to her. Even though Jay didn’t like the song he began to sing along which turned Sophie’s mood around from almost crying over her father to instant smiling. This shows support behavior because he sang along even though he didn’t want to but it put a smile on his friends face. She now felt light-hearted and excited. Sophie also was complaining about Jay not keeping track off the mileage and how much gas they had used because she wanted to be reimbursed by her bothers for the expenses of the trip. Jay reacted by ignoring her and changing the subject and by avoiding her stares. This shows avoidance within the relationship. Jay also told Sophie years earlier that his partner had died of AIDS and that he had no interest of finding love again. This shows self-disclosure on Jays part. As Sophie tried to encourage Jay to date again, he stormed out of his birthday party. Sophie went to his house to try and make things better but Jay wouldn’t answer. Soon after, Jay came to visit Sophie and they mended the relationship. He would call her every night to say goodnight because Sophie had told him that she missed someone saying goodnight to her like her Dad used to do. Sophie also didn’t have a good relationship with her older brother Mike because she felt like he was all about money and didn’t think she was doing enough with herself. While on the trip Jay realized that he had real insight to Sophie’s life and asked her personal questions that Sophie responded to with detail and shared stories that she had not done before. This shows how their relationship got stronger in closeness and also self-disclosure on Sophie’s part. As Sophie and Jay pulled into a hotel for the night, Sophie told Jay that he had been such a huge help to her and that she had been acting like a jerk. She told him that she loved him on a friend level of course and Jay told her he loved her too. This shows verbal immediacy.

We'll Never Be That Kind of Couple

Emma and Jason are in a relationship together. They live next to a couple that fights all the time. They can here their neighbors fighting while their watching Grey's Anatomy which comes on on Thursday nights. This is also the night that Emma and Jason usaully eat mac and cheese. As the months went on they always heard the couple fighting next door and calling each other horrible names and fighting over things like looking at other guys while out and also having a fight about going out with the "he neighbors boss from work". He said that she made him feel stupid in front of his boss and she said that he would never get the promotion anyway. Emma and Jason never called the cops or broke up the fight because they thought it was none of their business, but they always said that thay would never fight like the couple next door. Emma even talked to a friend that helps domestic violence victims and suggested that Emma give the neighbor her card for a victims hotline service. Emma and Jason would have their arguements about when Jason was watching the Baseball game instead of Emma's favorite show which they always watched on Thursdays. After a while, Emma and Jason's fights started to become more and more like the neighbors fights. Emma was feeling like Jason was just cooking the fastest thing he could on his nights to cook instead of cooking what Emma liked and thought would take time and effort to show he really cared about Emma and thought she was special. To try and work on their relatonship, Emma and Jason decided to have a date night every week to spend time with each other. Jason got asked by his buddies to go to a game on the night that he has date night with Emma. Emma got mad and thought he was going with his friends instead of her but when Jasdon showed up with a dozen roses Emma just shattered them on the floor and said she was going out with her friends to the club since she thought he was going with his friends too. Emma went out and the next morning they talked about what had happened and both agreed that their fights were becoming like the neighbors which both didnt want to happen. they promised to talk to each other before it got to that point again.
       Some of the key terms for this case are abuse, aggression, domestic abuse. intimate terrorism, relational violence, and violence. Devaluation involves feeling unappreciated and unimportant. We can relate devaluation to this case when Emma thinks that Jason is just cooking whatever he thinks is fastest and not what what he thinks Emma will like to eat and take time doing to make sure Emma feels special. Emma feels unimportant and unappreciated when he cooks the same thing everytime its his turn to cook. We can also see invulnerable responses in this case. This occurs when people avoid talking about the hurtful message and involve acting unaffected by the hurtful remark. Emma is doing this by withdrawling and still going out to the club with her friends and by also shattering the roses Jason gave her on the floor. Forgeviness is also seen when they talk about what happened the night before and came to an agreement that they would never let their fights get out of hand like they thought their neighbors did on a regular basis and they forgave each other for what they said to each other in the arguement. I enjoyed reading this and relating it to my situation at home. We have neighbors who fight constantly.

A Place for Connecting and Disclosing

As Ben was playing his XBOX one night during the summer of his senior year of high school going into college, his Mom came in to give him a letter that he had received in the mail from Lasher State which was the school that he had been accepted to and was going to attend in the Fall. The letter was about who the University had chosen to be Ben’s new roommate. Ben was surprised that the letter had come so soon because he had only filled out the roommate preference sheet a couple weeks prior. As his Mom left the room and his eyes still fixed on the game, he decided to look up his new roommate on facebook to see what kind of person he was and to contact him during the summer to hang out before they moved in together. When he got to his facebook page Ben realized that he had a new email saying that David Bradford had added him as a friend on facebook. This name was the same name from the letter that he had got from Lasher State about his new roommate. Ben was hesitant to accept the friend request because he felt as if this person was a stranger still. He accepted the request to look at his new roommates page, as he looked he noticed he was in football, had many many friends, had a lot of girls that commented his page, and looked like he liked to drink and party. Ben thought to himself that the University must have messed up and given him the wrong person or last person because by the looks of his profile on facebook, David seemed like grades were not at the top of his priority list and Ben specifically asked for someone like him that would have grades being important. Ben also then looked at his own facebook page and decided that his was not up to date and that he probably looked like a nerd from some of the things he put for interests.

As the two boys moved into together to their new dorm room for their first year of college, they meet their roommates that were staying across the hall, two girls that were best friends since high school named Allison and Chloe. The four students became really good friends as the semester went on until one day when Chloe started noticing that Allison wasn’t hanging out as much with her anymore and was leaving the room before Chloe woke up.  When Dave and Ben asked Chloe where Allison had been and why they had not seen her lately, Chloe told them that she thought something was different with her friend. Dave then went on facebook and saw that Allison had posted on her facebook that she had been diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Dave had Ben read it and then Chloe. Chloe was upset and felt like her best friend should have told her about problem before displaying for everyone to see. As Chloe was explaining how she felt, Allison walked through the door.  

The key terms in this case are self-disclosure, social connection, warranting and facebook.  In this case, we can apply permeability which is how freely people allow others to share information they disclosed about themselves. Allison used this by sharing her information about herself on facebook first. She also applied ownership by controlling who had access to her posting on facebook. The people on facebook that were able to read her posts also became boundary insiders because they got to view Allison’s information and be involved if they wanted to by posting a comment back to her about the information she displayed about herself. Chloe was hurt because she felt that Allison should have came to her and disclosed that information to her best friend first and not facebook.  Also in Allison’s case she applied topic avoidance by not bringing this new information to Chloe and secret keeping by not saying anything to Chloe for weeks as Chloe noticed a big change in her friends actions. This case is very similiar to a situation that happened within my group of friends and disclosing information on facebook. I feel it is very easy to relate to because it seems as if facebook is the place to air all your dirty laundry at one time to everyone.

I Need Some Space

Ashley and Jacinta were the best of friends in high school. they contuined to go to college and also become roommates knowing that this would be a comfortable situation in such an unfamiliar place. They were happy to have each other and spent alot of time together. The girls ate together every night and did just about every thing together. This integration period of being together so much did take a toll on Ashley as she began to setttle in with the seperation period by finding new friends, hanging out with them without Jacy and not spending as much time with Jacy. Jacy began to notice this behavior and became confused as to why Ashley had changed. The tension grew between the girls as Jacy was confused and Ashley was being nonexpressive by not telling her why she had not hung out with her. Ashley was no longer predictable by going and being spontaneous on her own and not spending so much time with Jacy. The girls did talk it out and maintain their friendship with communication. The second year of college they decided to room with other people to release some of the tension of their relationship. As their relationship got better, Ashley got a new boyfriend that Jacy didnt like. Jacy went on facebook one day and found her boyfriend Steve kissing another girl. She wanted to express this to Ashley but however wanted to be nonexpressive by keeping Steve's privacy. As Jacy told Ashley what she had found, Ashley began to get emotional (as girls do) and cry. The third year of college had started for the girls and Ashley decided to study abroad while Jacy stayed in the states. Before leaving to study abroad, Ashley had noticed that Jacy had a new boyfriend and wanted to know who this person was. Jacy was torn in between whether or not to express to her who she was with which was Ashley's ex boyfriend Steve or to be nonexpressive and spare her feelings by not telling her who she was with. Ashley saw the couple in the store and found out who she was with. Once again the relationship had tension because Jacy was nonexpressive. After a couple weeks of not talking Jacy apologized but their friendship had changed and trust now had to be earned back from Jacy.
        As Ashley went off to study abroad, Jacy would always try to keep contact with her by email and texting. Three weeks later Ashley replied and their relationship was starting to get back on track. As Ashley came home, Jacy reunited with her at the airport to rekindle their friendship. Ashley did forgive Jacy which took the tension out of their relationship and they decided to live together their last year in college realizing that they would not take their friendship for granted. The last year the girls were back to the integration stage and when they graduated both had to seperate again not knowing when they would see each other. I can see how the relational dialectics and gender norms have a process and that process is a spiral and cycle of stages that take place throughtout the relationship and through time.

The Born (again) Identity

This case shows how identities are changed through time and how they can also change through experiences in one’s life. Identity consists of shifts and is multi-layered as well. These layers are how our identities are formed through feelings, thoughts, spirituality and behavior.

John was a high school student who was on the football team. At one of his games he ran the winning touchdown for the team and became well-known at school. This brought him popularity and girls that never had paid attention to him before. To improve his identity he also started drinking and became known as a risk-taker to his friends. His identity was shaped through these specific experiences which made him feel good about himself.  One night he and his sister had been drinking and John decided to drive. That night they got into a bad accident and almost died. John’s sister was bruised and scarred and John had to have surgery on his leg which in return lead him to need a lot of physical therapy. During this time, John started feeling bad for putting his sister in danger and for ruining his own life. He had everything going for him and now he had nothing. Even his friends treated him differently. John fell into a depression but while recovering he and his physical therapist got very close and his therapist suggested a book to him. After he read the book, he started to forgive himself for what he did and began to move forward with a new outlook.  He started to attend church with Mark after rehabilitating and these new things in his life did change the relationship between John and his sister Katie. They were no longer that close because they were doing different activities. John found God and Katie kept drinking.

John later got in contact with one of his friends from school that he played football with and also drank with. John was invited to go and hang out like old times before he has in the accident. The night ended up turning out that all his friends wanted him to be the same old risk-taker and drinker he had always been by reclaiming a drinking title he had. Since the accident John had re evaluated his life and changed the activities that he once engaged in.  His sister also humiliated him by explaining to his friends that he no longer was the same because he had found God. The people at the party than started to turn their heads and carry on with there own conversations as he left  to go home.

Johns looking glass self was built from his relationships with his friends and his popularity increased with drinking, but it changed after the accident and he became depressed. He looked at himself differently which caused him to take on a new identity and how he viewed drinking. The social construction of his identity changed as his relationships changed. He no longer had a relationship to drank with friends and took on a relationship with God and Mark. He had to re-negotiate expectations for self and for the relationships with friends. Peer relationships shaped his identity and his identity was reshaped because of the relationships he formed with his peers. (risk-taker and drinker)